


Implicit Demand for Proof (Phil Lester)

by SJWrites



Series: // Fantastic Foursome // One Shots // [1]
Category: AmazingPhil (YouTube RFP), Phil Lester - Fandom, Youtube RPF
Genre: Crying, F/M, Phil Lester - Freeform, Sad, Self Harm, Songfic, Suicide, i cried, i hate myself for writing this, im so sorry, loss of a loved one, self hatred, trigger warning, twenty one pilots - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 03:00:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4288212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SJWrites/pseuds/SJWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AmazingPhil one shot based on the Twenty One Pilots song of the same name. </p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, depression, self harm</p><p>Please don't hesitate to come talk to me if you're feeling down, but alert someone if you're feeling suicidal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Implicit Demand for Proof (Phil Lester)

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: depression, self harm and deprivation, suicide, cussing. 
> 
> Please don't hesitate to come talk to me if you're feeling down, but alert someone if you're feeling suicidal. 
> 
> This was originally a Chris one shot but hey, I cried too hard writing it and had to change it to Phil. I still cried a lot, but it's too out of character for Phil and I worry a lot for Chris. 
> 
> Also it's probably poorly written sorry.

His sleeves got longer and more inappropriate for the weather. So you asked him. 

You asked him if he was okay. 

And he said yes. 

_**I know you're not a liar** _

You never though Phil would lie to you. Yeah, sure, you both had your secrets... But you never thought he'd flat out lie to you. 

It doesn't make him a liar, though. Does it?

When you confront him about the jumpers in June, it really confirms it. Your thoughts. How easily the lie slips through his lips. 

Phil doesn't lie about a lot. Only about blood and burns, it seems. 

**_And I know you could set fire_ **

When you found the first lighter, a plain, black bic, you didn't believe it. Phil... Doesn't smoke. Neither do you. Nor Dan.

And all of your candles are easily lit with a grill lighter.

Your stomach dropped with the thought and you quickly shove the cursed object behind your back as Phil struts through the front door. 

"Good morning, love," He smiles brightly, rolling his jumper sleeves down over his hands. Some how you manage to fake a smile and give Phil a kiss on the cheek. 

**_This day_ **

You had been preparing. Weeks. Weeks of ignoring all of the signs and telling yourself that _shit, Phil isn't broken._ He _can't_ be. He's _strong_. 

But you can't ignore the blood on his jumpers or the mess of your foundation, but not really yours because it's the wrong shade, before he shoots a video. 

A strange feeling makes it's way through your system as you shuffle down your hallway, towards Phil's room. 

Today is the day, you think, that you help him. 

Phil's asleep when you enter the room and you see a blue jumper with stained sleeves on the floor next to him. Your stomach drops further. 

"Phil?" You say, laying down behind him, careful not to touch his porcelain skin that has broken too many times. 

"What?" His reply is soft, like all of his words to you lately. He has been retreating into himself quickly. 

It makes your head spin.

But, this day is the day your heads stops spinning. 

"I want to help you," And when the realization hits him, about what you mean, it hits him hard. 

It's just a confirmation that you know and suddenly all of Phil's shame turns to anger. 

Pointed at you. 

**_Go ahead and make me look away_ **

**_Strike me down_ **

You've never seen Phil move as fast as he does. The words have barely left your mouth, but yet you're on the floor and he's standing over you. 

He hasn't hit you, no, merely stood so quickly and dizzily that you were pushed from your spot on the bed. 

"Phil?" Your voice quivers because he's shirtless and, for once, you see angry red and saturnine white all over his torso. 

Your fingers burn with regret, anguish, and your brain questions them. 

_Why didn't I feel that through his jumpers? How could I miss that many scars?_

You feel sick and avert your eyes from their brutal pathway down his body. 

"You can't even look at me," He mutters, darkly. 

He turns away from you, his back clean as a slate, his head down. His voice is darker than his hair, marred by thick, rancid depression and hatred. 

He is not the Phil you know at this moment. 

Or maybe you never really knew him. 

Shakily, you stand. Your legs wobble like a child's as you step timidly toward the man you love. 

When you slowly wrap your arms around him, fingers gliding not so smoothly over his chest, he tenses. Tears spring to your eyes. 

**_I am calling your lightening_ **

"I'm sorry," You whisper, afraid your voice is enough to push him over the ledge. Dan laughs down the hall and it breaks the silence. 

You wait a moment to make sure it hasn't broken Phil, too. 

**_Down from your dark hiding place_ **

"You didn't do anything. I did," Phil says. His jaw clenches after like he didn't mean to say anything. 

You hold him and wonder what it's like to have a mind so dark you cut yourself.

Phil used to tell you that he liked looking at you because his memory was his hiding place and tacking up photos of you in the den would keep the lights on a little longer. 

Until now, you never understood what he meant then. 

_**Go ahead and show me** _

_**Your face** _

You run your hands up Phil's chest, turning him to face you. He turns his head, trying to hide his sadness worn face from you, the creases around his eyes wet with tears. 

"Show me your face," You demand. He turns to you, slowly, and his eyes are an ocean of doubt, a sea of sadness. Slowly, you kiss him. 

Softly, you tell him that you love him. 

_**Rain down** _

_**And destroy me** _

_**Rain down** _

_**And destroy me** _

_**Rain down** _

His tears fall like storm drops on your face. They trail down your cheeks and neck, dipping into your collar bone.

Maybe a little too late, because now the carpet is stained, as is your bed and arms, you realize his arms are still bleeding. 

Still raining. 

And you feel like shit for romanticizing his struggle, but when you take him to the loo to clean up and see the contrast of red on white, hear the contrast of your silence and Dan's laughter you really realize that this is a storm. 

And, _fuck_ , it's all crashing down on Phil's shoulders. 

Suddenly, your shoulders feel heavier, like they're sagging under dead weight. 

But, Phil starts to get better.

The less he bleeds and burns, you realize one day, the more he cries. 

Hell, you'll take crying any day, every day. 

**_I mean no disrespect_ **

When you say you're mad at him, undeniably pissed, Dan softly tells you how disrespectful it is. 

But you are. 

You're fucking _pissed_ that you're standing at a funeral for that man you love. 

But Dan is right. And your anger melts away as Chris and PJ pull you down the hill, to your car and let you cry yourself to sleep in the backseat. 

_**I am simply very perplexed** _

Anger turns to confusion, which turns to a rolling stomach, like the waves of his eyes. 

And, _fuck_ , you can't remember ever thinking about him so much. 

Comparing everything to him. 

Sometimes, Dan will tell you a joke to try and make you laugh. It's all he has, anymore. Sure, you'll giggle, but... You'll immediately pick up your phone to text Phil. 

Except he's not on the other end. Well, he is. You buried his phone with him. And you pay the bill. 

You wonder when it'll die and you feel... Confused on how you should feel when it does. Happy, or sad?

You call one day, crying, under his bed and leave a short voicemail after you hear his voice for one of the last times. 

_This is Phil! If you're getting this message, I'm probably out with the love of my life. Leave a message?_

And you do, with a scratchy, underused voice you say: "Phil, why?"

_**By your ways** _

Phil did it in a very... Phil way. He just... Disappeared. 

The found him in the lake the next day. A jumping, the police said. 

Bullshit, you said. He was pushed. Had to be. 

Phil wouldn't jump of a fucking bridge the day after comparing you to his life raft in troubled waters. 

He just wouldn't, okay?

_**Why won't you let us** _

_**Use your name?** _

He left a letter. Of course he did. 

Hung in the sleeve, stained, of his favorite jumper. 

You found it one day, almost three weeks later, when you went to put it on. 

He had three requests. 

_One, take care of Dan. He's my best friend._

_Two, don't ever say my name again._

_Three, please find love, true love, and never forget me._  

**_Rain down_ **

**_And destroy me_ **

**_Rain down_ **

**_And destroy me_ **

**_Rain down_ **

**Author's Note:**

> hahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH IM FUCKING SOBBING DONT LOOK AT ME


End file.
